I was so used to seeing that beautiful face in the morning that I believed if ever -God forbid- I would open my eyes to see something other than her face it would be the worst day of my life, the worst disaster that would occur to me.So I always prayed to God that I wouldn't get to open my eyes if her presence was gone! I wouldn't open my eyes ever without her.
We all say we will die without our dear ones. No one dies.... from the outside. We continue breathing, the activity believed to indicate the presence of life for humans. I believe breathing indicates mere existing. You live from the inside and you die from the inside.
Wrinkles appeared on her face as I grew older but I seemed to never notice the change. The smile was same, very bright and refreshing and the voice was so tender and soft it caressed my soul and lit me up from the inside as soon as I woke up and I just knew nothing is ever going to be wrong. I was wrong throughout the span however.
She taught me how to fly, she taught me nothing is beyond my reach if I will to achieve it I can overcome all obstacles. She taught me to believe. I would go to school, then college, then work as years flied and would return and talk to her for hours. Like a chirping bird. She would smile, sometimes advice and make suggestions always intending to correct me where I went wrong but years changed our routine didn't. She was the best listener I ever had. I was never devoid of friends and associates but perhaps she was the only best friend I ever had who never made me feel the agony of solitude. With her I was never alone.
And that day I tasted the pain of loneliness. People came and went, my closest friends from all steps of life whom I knew came but they couldn't fill the hole punched within. I was still and I was silent and became unfamiliar with all the faces and voices that echoed somewhere in my conscious and all I wanted to see was her face!! Doctors wouldn't let me in, they kept saying I should pray, that her condition was very serious! They said she had been dealing with years of depression and some thought, some trauma or some reminder from past had appeared to exhaust her senses too much and she experienced the attack!!
Depression, trauma??? I never heard from her these words??
Or I never asked her about her life, feelings, dreams, aspirations and I was so engrossed in the colors she had scattered around me that I never really asked about her grief?! I was a teller, she was a listener I never really became a listener for her... And she didn't have anyone except me... I've been selfish!!!
One blow of life and I started having all these realizations?? THEN??? It wasn't fair!!!
Not this way Dear God, not this way I don't want to learn this way!!
I wanted her to come back just once so I'd let her speak and just listen... To color her life the way she colored mine...
I wanted to see her face again in the morning. Not the way it used to be, I wanted to wake her up and make her breakfast and light every morning for her for the rest of my life...
Just once...
Come back to me...
P.S On account of the death anniversary of my childhood friend who is also my neighbor and former student.
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