Not Good Enough

The road towards self improvement is one hell of a road. It is when you choose to shine and focus on making yourself a better person. When you compete with yourself each day, you are already making good improvements in you.

I have been in this competition for as long as I remember and although it is still a long way to go, I have succeeded in bringing the inner self at betterment, adorning it with some virtues which I like to see in others as well. But the outer part of me has been suffering a lot. Appearance that is. That is when circumstances and my routine that drives me crazy (and over worked) intervenes. That is when my own life hinders. (Ah! do not even ask how. It is a long and sad story!)
I have never come in harmony with the way I look therefore I have always been involved in one thing or other to improve that. Sadly though I have fallen more ill to continue or to even think about it. I have been like this since birth but I've never let it be an excuse and always thought that there is way out of this. Like coming out of cocoon, I imagine myself evolving to that beautiful, winged butterfly but that "time to shine" moment in my life never arrives. I was acquainted in this journey too time to time. One of my friend and I started toward same goal and apparently she reached hers and I ended up in the hospital. KARMA??
My brother and I started toward same goal he reached I ended up nutrient deficient. KARMA?
I started for gym and had inspiration from many who succeeded but turned out trainer, due to her lack of professional knowledge damaged my knee joint (left knee) the first time. The second time (recently) I joined a gym thinking okay lets make a healthier come back. That gym had members all of whom were models (literally!) and only myself- the obesity struck one- seeking trainer's help. What was she being payed for any way? She raised her eye brow looking at me, insulted me so much that it kind of became the matter of myself self respect to leave that place. I was down that day thinking of what she said to me.
This is it. The struggle is worst but in words it can be so explained. My brother once showed me a t.v program on national geographic of a lady who was like me telling how she ruined her health always running after being slim like others and how it never really worked for her and after ruining herself she came to realize that its high time she should give up on her quest. I was thinking if I am taking myself there health wise...
I was thinking what should I do? Being an educated person I can counsel myself on that. At night I talk myself into having a healthier life rather than "slim at any cost" kind but its the day time that are disastrous. Reason being I am reminded of it every day by one person or the other that my look makes me look older than my age. This shatters me to extent... that I cannot explain.
I wrote this post because I read about the girl who was bullied her entire school life for being obese so much that in the end she committed suicide. Luckily I did not attempt suicide but I have been driven to thinking about it, because apparently being skinny is the ultimate symbol of beauty.
I just thank God that I do not have flaws like vices in me and that I have a kind heart. I believe some day this will matter more to someone than how I look.