Restlessness #13

So relatable!
It has been years and years now since I've tried hard to escape reality of which I can not do much about. When I say I cannot do much about it, do not assume that I am being lazy and have not once tried or planned to make it any better. I have tried more than you know and I have failed often and fallen hard into failure. What makes my reality so worst is the collection of some bad decision from certain factors and the very existence of "them all" that influence and empower my life from whom I cannot part no matter how badly I want to.
"There's no escapin' this shit.."
So when I reread my archives in loneliest hours of despair I laugh at my foolishness when all the time I'd thought it would end one day and I would set myself free and would get away from them all and never ever return. Those were like childhood fantasies. With years the chains that enslave me have been more strong and thick and I've grown weaker in my faith and energy both...
Before I had my mind in order, always distracted by books. Like a mad-crazy I wanted to achieve academic goals that I thought would be my key to unlock myself from this prison of misery but I was wrong. Glory came, I succeed in achieving my goals but my dreams of freedom remained dreams and to this date they are dreams. And perhaps that's what dreams are! To be seen with closed eyes and never having the fate to see them with open eyes and to make them your reality!
So after a decade of keeping myself strong enough to not lose my mind to "them all" their venom started gaining over my mind too and now I cannot keep my mind directed to any specific ting, any specific new goal? No distraction seem to work. Not even music. It tires my nerves. Not even my academics. It all seems like fruitless effort and I do not want to even try being a "good student" anymore. I used to cover courses as if they were sacred to me and I must know everything to be the best but being best doesn't bring ease to my pain anymore because being best does not set me free. And these are just excuses because my mind is just too exhausted by the crap they throw at me that I am mostly too tired to focus.
Except that I have a huge pile of novels. I collect them as women collect jewels and pearls. I keep them safe as my priceless treasure and forever stay drowned in their world as if a alcoholic staying always drunk.
It is my escape.
It has been my escape since long and the only thing about me that I haven't lost yet...

"Her tears have frozen, she is not used to misery inflicted on her though it has been decades. But her tears have frozen. She does not cry anymore. And waits for her blood to freeze too and only that, as she know now, is what will cure her and bring her restless soul at ease and bring the freedom she seek."