Stagnancy

Stranger things happen each day. Since you left.
I would stand at the corner of stairs for long, looking blankly at the corridors. That spot was perfect to view the entire building. I would drown in illusions of you rushing here and there. Like imagination has ceased. My mind only wanders in the era, when you were present there. It was the only time I reckon as beautiful and worth remembering. Although there was zero interaction. But the thought of you 'present', and just being around was enough.
Strange. And stupid.

Anywho.
Initially there was the picture of you everywhere I went. But now I would look blankly at those people passing by, with nothing in my mind. It is so peacefully quiet inside. This silence is something I need, like an escape from numerous chants that keep echoing in my head all day long. So, another escape you see.
I do not like to specifically sway in that particular corridor. I see that blue seat before the p.c empty and it brings back so much that I cannot take it. I avoid going there and if by chance I have to go, I just bring that steal strong self in control for a while. Ignoring every single thing that needs to be ignored. Or I just fool myself by telling myself I feel nothing when there's a rush of a million feelings at that time.
I was aware of course that I shouldn't admire someone like this, it is completely foolish and inappropriate. And since I knew this I never really tried approaching you directly, I could I just didn't. Numerous reason. Modesty may be. Ego is way back in the list but present. Morals lead, I don't really take steps that will question my brought up, my reputation etc Most importantly I expect love that is honest and natural, for myself and for who I am. Purely mine, I would like to know someone fell for me rather than noticing I exist and that I am there when I admit and confess.
Totally weird I know. I have weird mindset.
I don't have nothing much to do or say because I am figuring out what to do with my life and where was I before I saw you. Solitude itself is very stinging, I was in solitude -a bit- before in my life but then I had companions. Piece of paper and my thoughts, my imagination that accompanied me through it, I enjoyed when I set my imagination lose. Now solitude is different. It has longings. It has failure. And sadness.

"Sadness is beautiful, loneliness is tragical", just like that.

I am trying to figure out what to do in my life now....
I am so unsure and confused, I am so numb and dull.