What I should be!

I couldn't let it all slide easily. Beyond my thoughts as I tried to put it, it grew more difficult to do so. This is about human nature, not only we are complex in making but everything about us is just complicated. What we think, feel and the way we deal with, everything is complex and radical.

I was feeling insignificance of my existence, to be not accepted the way I was and left behind due to my incapability. I did not know why "what I am" was looked over and "what I should be" was emphasized. It was until I rebelled against myself to seek a place of belonging, I was constantly alienated. It was necessary to build a facade, at first I was repelled by this very thought but later on I was too bullied to not bury myself and exist along. This was my very first mistake, but wouldn't it be amazing if we knew where to halt and analyze our moves before practicing them?
I went into isolation at the beginning and later on self criticism to avoid any situation of humiliation. I was stuck at a point that much, to ignore how opinions of others haunted me, too much to disgrace my own self! However this wasn't the ultimate solution, I was never happy. Back then it was just a dark phase of suffering and being more drowned into complexes.

Differences are perhaps the reason that everything in this world from nano level to macro, makes it beautiful the way it is and any violation in nature, changing the true form to desired ones majorly and mostly results in chaos!

So basically it was terrible for me, time flied I grew more darker from the inside. Dark in sense that I found no point of joy in anything that happened and whatever I did was nothing related with myself, a puppet life?
Even when I married I wasn't sure whether "he" saw me, who I was behind the shroud and accepted me for my truer self or fell for the mask. But now if I think about it he did see me, but never really explained or showed but in his own way he tried to bring me out of this. One of the greatest step was giving me a daughter, I grew fond of her before having her in my hands and started seeing everything I once dreamed for myself, now I wished for her. "She's just like you!", he once said with a smile on his face when our five years old drew a drawing of mountains and sun and lake. I was being amazed at the fact that she had excellent power of imagination like I once did and I used to paint too, but when he said this I was shocked from the inside because I never told him I used paint!

Our daughter was incredible, she used to do exactly what she willed and wished and she knew how to tackle things better then I did. So, sometimes she was teaching me more than I was conveying to her. When her school grades increased with time, year to year I started fearing everything that used to dread me! I did not want my little girl to be deprived in anyway but I was amazed at the way she rolled. She never let anyone's opinion set her back. In early years people used to point about her nature calling her "weird" she showed how everybody was weird in their own way.
In many ways, which can not be put into words my daughter brought the life back in me. She was confident while I was not, she wasn't afraid to go into public and enjoy, she can laugh that was so natural and the sound of her laughter slowly nurture me back to life and brought me out of the cage I have been in.
And he was always there with a satisfactory and proud ease at his face.

So, the point of writing all this is we do not have any other option than being ourselves, alternatives are devastating and destructive for our own self. We may or may not find people who can lend us a hand and force us out of this quicksand, but we have to be our own heroes sometimes!
I dedicate every bit of my life that I spent in happiness and peace to my beloved husband and daughter. Asset of my life! They taught me, WHAT I AM IS EXACTLY WHO I SHOULD BE :)

P.S. This is just a story that occurred to me while I thought about how life of a bullied person would be like. Since it is one of the most leading problem of our society so.. the message I hope is conveyed :)